HOME STAR WARS: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
by Will-Write-For-Pocky
Summary: Oh my goodness, we're back with the second installment of the Home Star Wars saga in glorious prose format! We find our heroes evading the Empire at every turn...and there are some lightsabers, bounty hunters, and Swiss Cake Rolls too.


(HOME) STAR WARS: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

Okay. Let's try this again.

AND WE'RE BACK! I'm sorry about all the crap that went on...long story short, ESB was removed by the authorities. So now I've got it here for you in non-script format. New Hope was removed too...and that made me very, very sad. I'll try to retype it...but no promises. I'm sure all of you reading this read NH anyway. Otherwise...why would you be reading this?

For those of you who missed out on New Hope, keep your eyes open for a special soon. With added dialogue, edits, and digitally remastered...ness. I'll probably be updating both stories (ESB and NH) simultaneously. So I'll have two going on at once. Wish me luck.

Anyways, I received several interesting suggestions from my reviewers. The request was to 'do Lord of the Rings'. As much as I would like to, I feel that the whole thing would be next to impossible to cast, would wear thin after a while, and would just be too big of an undertaking. Besides, the almighty RWY is doing his own little LOTR spoof. I am, however, not going to stop with the Star Wars trilogy, and I am open to suggestions. Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Pirates of the Caribbean? Those two are high on my list.

I WILL NOT BE TAKING HOMSAR NONSENSE PHRASES ANY MORE. IT IS CONSIDERED INTERACTIVE, AND NOT PERMITTED. Plus, it was getting annoying. Sorry guys. Anyhow, let's get down to business.

* * *

THE RETURNING CAST

Luke Skywalker: Homestar Runner

Princess Leia: Marzipan

Han Solo: Strong Bad

Chewbacca the Wookie: The Cheat

C3P0: Strong Sad

R2D2: Homsar

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Coach Z

Darth Vader: Homeschool Winner

Jabba the Hutt: The King of Town

Wedge: 20x6 Homestar

Storm Troopers: Fhqwhgads

THE NEW ADDITIONS

Yoda: Pom Pom

Lando Calrissian: Bubs

Boba Fett: Stinkoman

General Rieekan: Strong Mad (God, he has to be the hardest person to cast...)

(Rebel/Imperial officers/pilots will be designated when the time comes.)

I swear I'll get The Poopsmith in there somehow...

ON WITH THE SHOW!

* * *

A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY...

We open to the vast expanse of space. The introduction begins to slowly scroll up the screen towards infinity as the marvelously orchestrated Star Wars theme begins to play.

"It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy.

Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters led by Homestar Runner has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth."

Strong Bad chose this moment to walk onscreen and stare at the scrolling text.

"The evil lord Homeschool Win-hey! What are you doing here! You're not supposed to be on yet!" The introduction suddenly turned angry.

"Augh, This music is enough to drive anyone nuts. All this...orchestration is giving me a headache." He rubbed his head. Still scrolling, the introduction continued to admonish him.

"Don't you dare insult John Williams' score! I'll have you removed from the movie!" Strong Bad shrugged and walked off screen. The introduction, satisfied for the moment, continued to fulfill its only purpose in the entire parody. However, our favorite angry little Mexican wrestler was soon to return, this time struggling under the weight of an electric guitar and amp.

"Hey! What are you doing with that?" The introduction was infuriated as ever. Strong Bad proceeded to ignore it, playing a few notes to tune the instrument. "Are you listening to me? Put that horrid instrument down and leave!"

He grinned diabolically at the still-scrolling and still-irate text, all the while turning the volume and distort to a dangerous level. Satisfied, he picked up the guitar and left. "Hmph. Guess I showed him." Poor, poor introduction. It never knew what hit it.

"Okay, guys! Let's show these crap-for-craps some real music!" Strong Bad shouted from off screen.

"Meh!" Came the voice of his little yellow sidekick, soon followed by that of his older brother.

"ROCK AND ROLL!"

The original Star Wars theme was suddenly replaced with an 80s style, heavy metal, head banging remix. Strong Bad wailed the melody on lead guitar; decided he wanted to be lead vocals as well, and... Added his own lyrics.

"STAAAAAAR WAAAAAARS,

GET IN A BIIIIIIIG FIGHT,

SHOOT LOTS OF LAAAAAZORS,

BLAST ALL THE SHIIIIPS..." He sang...proceeding to butcher the song and annoy the crap out of all in the general vicinity. And this went on for a full five minutes, I swear. Seriously, by the time he was done, everyone had reached his or her distorted guitar and ridiculous lyrics quota for ten years. No joke.

"My God, what is that?! I swear, if I weren't the introduction..." The introduction quickly regained its composure. "Where were we? Ah, yes. The evil lord Homeschool Winner, obsessed with finding young Runner, has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space..."

As the words disappeared into infinity, his final note echoed and faded...thank goodness.

"Thankyougoodnight!"

* * *

The massive Imperial Stardestroyer lumbered through space. Well...it floated, I guess. Because spaceships really can't 'lumber' very well. But, being that it's a massive Imperial Stardestryoer, I guess it really can't float either, especially since space isn't a liquid. Anyways, the massive Imperial Stardestryoer moved through space. After a short time, it ejected several robotic probes from its underside. The probes zoomed off in different directions. You can insert your menacing bad-guy music here.

One of the probes streaked through the bleak landscape of Hoth. Seriously, folks, this place was a friggin' ice cube. And before I start rambling again, the probe impacted the snowy surface, creating a swirl of the fluffy cold white stuff. Making odd mechanical whirring noises, it raised itself up from its self-created crater and crawled away across the veldt of snow and ice.

Then something living (Woah! Change of pace!) Appeared on the windswept plain. A lone rider on a Tauntaun, or snow lizard, galloped through the perpetual storm. Homestar Runner, the rider, came to a stop, saw the crater and reined in his Tauntaun. Adjusting his goggles and gazing over at the still-smoking depression, he pulled out a comlink and began to speak into it with that adorable speech impediment of his.

"Strong Bad? Stroooong Baaaaaaaad?" He said. After repeating this several dozen times, an all-too-familiar voice came over the other end.

"What? You just called me like, five minutes ago, man!" The irritated voice of everyone's favorite egotistical little man in a wrestling mask growled. Homestar, ever persistent, dismissed his friend's general grumpiness.

"Yeah, but I think I found something this time." He replied, oblivious to the ire of Strong Bad, as always.

"The last time you found something, it turned out to be...frozen. Like everything else on this godforsaken ice cube." Strong Bad dismissed, not really caring what his naïve cohort had discovered. Homestar's 'discoveries' in the past half hour had included an ice block shaped like a penguin, an ice block shaped like a power saw, and an ice block shaped like an ice block.

"Yeah, but this time, it's a little crater-type-deal. And there's like, smoke coming out of it. And I guess it would be pretty cool, except I don't know what it is." He gazed over at the crater.

"Fine. You check it out. I'm going back to the base. Strong Bad is not one for the cold, man." He responded, annoyance diminishing ever so slightly.

"Maybe you should like, put a shirt on sometime. I hear that helps." Homestar cheerily offered his advice, much to the chagrin of Strong Bad.

"Ew, no way, man. I'm allergic to shirts."

"Woah. That's weird." The least intelligent of the pair declared. Strong Bad sighed.

"I'll see you back at base. You can annoy the crap out of me then, okay?" Resigning himself to his fate, he signed off the comlink, leaving Homestar alone on the windswept plain. He had just put his comlink back into his jacket when he noticed that his Tauntaun was behaving particularly jumpy.

"Hey, what's the matter?" He said to his snow lizard. Suddenly, an ominous shadow loomed over him. And I'm not talking about your average, everyday shadow. I'm talking about shadows of the ominous variety. So anyway, Homestar turned around slowly to find himself face to face with a man. No... Wait...it was a dragon-man. Or maybe...it was just a dragon. Nah, it was just Trogdor, who was cast as every single freaking monster in the entire trilogy. And don't ask me what a fire-breathing dragon is doing out in the middle of Ice World. Because I have no idea. And I wrote this darn thing.

"Oh, hello." The Burninator responded with a low growl. "You look familiar. Have we met?" The ever-oblivious armless wonder said merrily. "Oh, that's right. I thought we got rid of you in the garbage dump. Oh well." No sooner had he reached for his laser than the wingaling dragon conked him over the head. The panicked Tauntaun fled (Personally, I don't blame him...) as Trogdor dragged the unconscious Homestar away through the snow.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

I mean...back at the base. Yeah. The base.

Anyways, a Tauntaun rider came upon the entrance of the vast ice cave that served as the new Rebel base. Upon entering, he dodged crews who rushed back and forth, carrying supplies and cargo and generally doing Rebel base tasks. The rider, Strong Bad, of course, removed his snow goggles and dismounted his Tauntaun. He approached The Cheat, busily making repairs on the Millennium Falcon.

"Hey man." He said, leaning against various boxes of various items. However, his little yellow squeaky guy was not happy to see him, and continued right on welding things together.

"Meaaaah. Namma nah menna meh!" The Cheat growled, not looking up. Strong Bad sighed. His work here was never done.

"All right, I'll help you out in a second." He reassured his fuming companion. He turned around and made his way to the command office. There was something he'd been meaning to say for a while now, and it was time for it to get said.

* * *

Marzipan and Strong Mad, who somehow got to be another intelligent commander-type role, sat in the office, doing assorted Rebel base tasks that somehow involved pounding pegs into holes. You know, like on those wood boards. And you have this wooden hammer and you hit the peg into the hole. Yep. That's what they were doing.

"See? The round peg goes into the round hole, and the square peg goes into the square hole." Marzipan coaxed gently. Strong Mad replied by pounding his massive fist on the table, shaking the peg-board-thing, and every other unfortunate inanimate object that happened to be in the general vicinity.

"I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME!" He roared. Marzipan sighed and turned away.

"Oh, hello. Back already?" She said to Strong Bad.

"Yeah. No sign of life out there, man." He nonchalantly leaned against the doorframe. "Freaking ice cube..." He added under his breath. There was another crash as Strong Mad forcibly pounded the round peg into the square hole.

"I DID IT. I AM COOL!" He proclaimed proudly.

"Sure you are, big guy." He clapped a glove on his older brother's shoulder and turned to Marzipan. "Why is he always cast in some kind of intelligent commander-type role?"

"He's hard to put anywhere else." She said, moving to water one of the obscure tropical plants she had placed in various locations around the command office to 'brighten things up' as she had put it. "Has Homestar reported in yet?"

"Nah. He was checking out a meteor crater or some crap like that. He'll be back soon." Then Strong Bad paused, took a deep breath, and prepared to speak what he really came to say. "Listen. You guys are great and all, but I can't stay here." He winced, hoping that the torrent of reprimands sure to follow was slight.

"YOU'RE LEAVING US?" Strong Mad shouted. Strong Bad sighed. He knew this would happen.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, man." Was his reply. However, the larger of the Brothers Strong began to tear up, apparently thinking that Strong Bad was leaving forever or something.

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE!" He howled. Strong Bad rolled his eyes and tried to explain the situation without much luck.

"Come on! I've got a price on my head! If I don't pay off the King of Town, I'm as good as dead." Strong Mad, however, was past the point of reason.

"BAAAAAAGH!" He shouted as he ran out of the room. Strong Bad followed him, found it useless, and settled upon yelling at him from the doorway.

"How many times to I have to tell you that this is only a movie and I'm not really leaving you?" He groaned and turned back to Marzipan. "Well, I guess this is it, huh, Your Highness?"

"I guess it is." She said abruptly, flatly, and coldly; using all three adverbs at the same time. Ouch. Triple whammy. And now we can safely say that there was a silence of awkward proportions that continued for several minutes as the fact that Strong Bad was ACTUALLY rejected (OH MY GOD) sunk in.

"No need to get all mushy. I'll see you around, Princess."

And with a flourish, (except not really, because Strong Bad doesn't 'flourish') he left the room, leaving Marzipan alone with her assorted tropical plants. Biting her lip, she waited a few moments, then dashed out after him.

* * *

"Strong Bad!" She called, running down the hallway. He came to a stop and turned around slowly.

"That's my name."

"I thought you said you were going to stay."

"Well, that bounty hunter Stinkoman changed my mind." He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall of the corridor.

"Strong Bad, we need you! You're a great help to us." She pleaded. However, Strong Bad was not to be won over. At least...not by that kind of talk.

"Oh, come off it, the only reason you want me to stick around is because you can't get enough of me!"

"What?" She sighed, slowly becoming angrier. "You and your wishful thinking."

"Is it? Then why'd you follow me?" Grinning, he leaned toward her with mock affection. "Afraid I'd leave you without a goodbye kiss?" Marzipan stood stock still with shock for a second, (Whoa, check out that alliteration) and then laughed.

"You!? I'd rather...I'd rather kiss The Cheat!"

Strong Bad's confident smirk immediately turned to a frown. "That can be arranged." He growled. "You know...after I'd paid him a twenty or something of the like..." He turned around and began to storm off, muttering profanities to himself.

"Strong Bad?" Marzipan called after him. He sighed and turned around.

"What do you w- OW!" Marzipan folded her nonexistent arms and smirked. Strong Bad retreated down the hall, doubled over. "Oh, that's it." He shouted, shaking his fist at her. "I'm bringing my lawyer into this! That was not part of my contract!" She shrugged and walked down the corridor, fuming silently.

"Freakin' woman kicks like Mia Hamm..." He winced. "My insurance better cover below-the-waist damage..."

* * *

Back in the main hangar, our favorite pseudo-droids made their way into the area from a hallway. Strong Sad, as usual, seemed very distressed about something. But you probably knew that.

"Well, how was I supposed to know that it would explode?" He wailed. "Oh, man...I'm doomed."

"Dyaaaaah! Someday we'll find the rainbow connection!" Homsar interjected. I'm sure he was trying to cheer his companion up...somehow.

"Oh...just...shut up."

The dynamic duo stopped at the Millennium Falcon, where Strong Bad was yelling angrily at The Cheat. But you probably knew that, too. He waved two pieces of metal in front of his fuzzy yellow comrade's face as he shouted furiously. Bet you didn't see that coming. Okay. I'll stop now.

"What the crap did you do that for? I'm trying to get us out of here and you take these apart!"

"Meh! Menah namma neh mah!" The Cheat put his hands/paws/whatevers on his hips.

"No, Marzipan did NOT kick me in the crotch again!" Strong Bad denied ever so inadequately. "Shut up and help me put this crap back together!"

"Uh...excuse me." Strong Sad meekly, almost afraid to enter the argument between enraged wrestler and irritated...anvil...cheese...thing. The two continued shouting and yelling and generally using every derogatory term that they could on each other, ignoring Strong Sad, as usual. It was a full five minutes before Strong Bad finally noticed him.

"Oh, it's you." He turned back to The Cheat. "Put these back together before my foot..." he pointed at his boot "Connects with your butt." The Cheat grumbled and turned back to the ship. Strong Sad made a slight coughing noise to remind his older brother of his prescence. Strong Bad turned around and sighed exasperatingly. "I'm trying to get out of here and he goes and takes the freaking central lifters apart." The Cheat let out another growl.

"Yeah, that's really nice and all...but..." Strong Sad rubbed the back of his head and looked at the ground. No use cutting to the chase when it would most likely cause him a great deal of physical pain...He was interrupted from his reverie by Strong Bad's perturbed voice.

"I'm only going to ask you once, Dumpus. What do you want?"

"Well, it's just that we can't find Homestar." There. It was out.

"He's probably off...pushing buttons in the control room or something." Strong Bad dismissed, turning back to the ship, much to the relief of The Cheat.

"No, it's not that. He hasn't come back in from his rounds." That got his attention.

"What?"

"Yeah. He's not back yet, and-" Apparently through with Strong Sad's opinion, the star pilot noticed The Poopsmith, who just so happened to be walking by carrying a box of 'cargo'.

"Hey. You." He called. Strong Sad, however, continued.

"The princess is really worried, and she said that-"

"Yeah, you with the box." The Poopsmith turned around and approached the four.

"-it gets really cold out there at night and if we don't find him soon-" Depressio obliviously continued. Strong Bad finally clamped a boxing glove over his mouth.

"Now." The Poopsmith nodded slightly in recognition. "Have you seen Commander Runner?" Realizing what he had just said, Strong Bad added: "How the crap did he get to be a commander? Anyways, have you seen him?"

The Poopsmith shook his head.

"Did he check in? Maybe he came in through the South entrance."

Ever silent, The Poopsmith shrugged. Strong Bad was growing frustrated, as usual.

"Well, get over there and find out if he did!" He said angrily as The Poopsmith walked away, hopefully headed towards the South Entrance. "Freakin' vows of silence." Removing his hand from Strong Sad's mouth, he began to bundle up. The sort-of robot continued speaking as if his mouth was never covered in the first place.

"-He's going to freeze to death and... What are you doing?"

"I'm going out to find Homestar, stupid."

"Uh...it's night. You'll freeze out there!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Strong Bad turned to face him. "Look. As much as we could use one less moron, we don't need a Homestarcicle on our hands. Besides, I'll take a speeder."

"Don't you pay attention at the meetings?" He whined, referencing a popular but not-quite-as-popular as Homestar flash cartoon. "We're having trouble with the speeders." 

"Then I'll have to take a Tauntaun, now won't I?"

"You'll die before you reach the first marker!" Apparently not caring, Strong Bad mounted his Tauntaun and pulled his snow goggles on.

"Since when do I care what you think?" He egged the snow lizard out into the bleak, snowy, and increasingly frigid landscape, and was gone. Strong Sad turned to Homsar.

"I knew it! I knew it! We're all going to die!" He wailed. "They're going to pick us off one by one...First Homestar, then Strong Bad, then..." He began to walk away, still babbling on about the eventual and inevitable doom of the entire cast. Homsar looked out into the icy plain before he followed his whiny companion back into the base.

END CHAPTER ONE


End file.
